“All I want,
All I want
When I don’t even know myself.”
I read the writing prompt, and Sarah Blasko’s haunting song enters my head and stays there, from mid week until now. It haunts me and taunts me and coaxes me into writing my deepest desires, my secret dreams of longing, of passion, of clinging hope, and desperate knowings. All I want is to write, to unleash the power that is held tight fisted within. To breathe magical words across my blog page and blow it out into the universe with the wind of my breathe & being. I want those words to dance and play, and inspire me to, to heal me, to know me. To become me.
Sarah sings of finding herself before she can begin another relationship. But I have a relationship, and for the most part I have found myself. Or so I tell myself, so I believe. But the truth is, there are parts of me I do not yet know, parts which I have lost and still have not found. Like why I want to write, where the energy comes from, and which direction this buried fire of longing words wants to burn. I just feel it burn, I feel it pull me inwards, towards the computer where I freeze, where I pause and then make up excuses and walk away.
“What I want
What I want
‘Cause I don’t even know myself”
I want a house in the woods, with a fireplace with a chimney puffing out hot smoke. Laughing kookaburra’s, beautiful Rosellas and the occasional lyrebird gone by. I want little pattering feet, both furry and child-like. I want a warm blanket, a pot of herbal tea and my laptop, curled up in a pillowed large windowed room or outside in a garden where I can watch nature and all it’s life dance before my eyes. Where I can see it, breathe it, feel it, and be it. I want to dance with the fairies, and I want to talk to trees, and I want to know how to listen, to breathe, and to unleash these burdens, these setbacks, these walls that surround me, that hold me inside, that suffocate me, that make me feel ‘normal’.
“But all I want
All I want…”
…Is to understand myself, these secrets locked up inside me, to find the keys I’ve hidden elsewhere, that I have to search through childhood memories, through subconscious dreams, through the spiritual tuning into of universal energies to find, these reasons I feel called and don’t know why. These beliefs that magic is everywhere and somehow I hold a power of being included in it, being a part of it, and yet like a misplaced item, I don’t know where i’ve put it, it’s lost and I’m confused, incomplete feelings burden me. I have this feeling that I know of who I am, yet the feeling of holes, of gaps, of things out of sorts, out of place, confused and lost emotion dominates me. I am lost, yet I know where I belong.
“All I want
See all I want
All I want
Is to one day come to know myself”
I will move to the Dandenongs, I will dance and sing in my backyard. The fairies may join me, or they may sit on their tree limbs and flower petals and silently watch. I will solve the mystery, I will find myself, I will fill these holes, and find the lost keys. I will hunt down those lost memories and glue them back into place. I will fix myself, and I will know myself, and I will find my answers through words finally typed, through words said, through words thought, and through the soul, the soul of the universe, and the soul of all that is, I will find my place, I will find my power, the power to be me, the power to be free.
That is all I want.